A Secret Love

AG

It was the first day of school and I was new in the college. I was leaning on the wall of a corridor when a girl in blue was coming towards my direction. I noticed that she was shy, without even lifting her eyes to give me a glance but as she passed through, the smell of her perfume was like the song of Lorelei of the river Rhine, so I followed her to the library. She positioned herself at the end of the room and I sat a distance away so I would not be conspicuous. I studied the contour of her face which I wrote in my journal as page boy hair, round eyes, thin lips, looks like Natalie Wood.

We had few classes together and so we became friendly but her shyness made her reclusive, she did not hang out with her classmates. In a class following summer, I managed to be her laboratory partner, which I did through a little manipulation. I was an easy going student, and my ambition was just to make a passing grade, no more no less but this time, I put an extra effort to make an impression that I was not dumb. I was ready with all the assignments, which was not normal to me, she had indeed straightened my bad habit.

As the days went by, I was slowly falling for her, I knew it because she preoccupied my idle time. One evening as I was studying while my radio was on, the song “Imagination” by Frank Sinatra was on the air and as I listened to the song. Its melancholic tune and lyrics seemed to be describing me and my feelings. I soon realized that I was in love with her, because when I think about her, my hands would sweat, a little stress cause by adrenaline flow. I love to go to school, to be prompt at the laboratory room so I could see her, the longing is like the dewdrops on the flowers on early morning. After school, we would hang out in groups to eat out and it was wonderful feeling to be with her, to catch a glimpse of her is a nourishment of an aching heart. I did very well in the class and I enjoyed my professor, I attributed it partly to my desire to impress her.

One Sunday afternoon, against the advise of the gods, I visited her and to my surprise, she came out and greeted me. I was tongue tied, wow, but I was uneasy in the receiving room so we walked to the Café to eat a pie, a buko pie which was her favorite. We sat at a corner table, my eyes always stealing glances of her pretty sight, her shyness made her elusive to my admiring eyes. We talked for sometime, talking about our class and the characters we know, then walked her back and said bye and went on my way home. In my mind I asked myself “if she likes me, if she knows that I am falling for her, questions that I answered myself that maybe she likes me too because I was cute and maybe smart, that‘s why she came out to see me”. Back at home, I wrote in my journal “first base”, thinking that I got into the first base of the game called love.

Monday came and I never mentioned to my buddy that I visited her, I was bashful to be exposed as having a secret love. We came to class and she did not act differently so I thought she must have liked me too. She was friendly as usual so I thought that she will someday be my bride when I can show that I have talents too. I knew that I had a lot of talents, the only question was I had no chance to show off my talents. I had photographic mind and could imagine things below the surface and out in the space, which were not helpful in my current studies.

But anyway, I was having fun in the class, just to be near her as my partner was good enough to satisfy my craving. Life was wonderful to me that time that my grade was a lot better than my normal passing grade. What a wonderful summer I had, my dream girl was my partner and I did not have difficulty in the class. At night, sometimes my dreams would be peppered by her sight which I loved because I’d see her without any effort. The song “imagination” became my inspirational song, a song that tells my story for the whole summer.

The following school year, we were classmates again and my secret love was burning into high flame. I invited her to come to a class party with me and to my surprise she did. Maybe she really likes me, I said to myself but I was not too sure about it, maybe she considers me as a brother which would be the end of the world for me. How could I ever profess my love to her? I was intrinsically shy and I don’t enjoy being rejected so I was just contented to keep my love as secret as possible. I thought there was nothing in my image that really would attract girls, I was just an ordinary student, with a normal GPA which was not outstanding as the measure of success in school. If she only knew that I had a lot of hidden talents, maybe she would like me but to my disappointment , my talents were useless at that time, it did not bring outstanding grades because I could not use it for the exams and these talents belong outside the classrooms.

One weekend, she was waiting for her ride home and I asked her if I could go with her, but she politely said that I could not because….It dawned on me that maybe I was just a good friend to her, no more no less. I went home and I played the song “Imagination” and as I listened to the lyrics, the song became apparent that it is the story of my secret love, a love that began as a secret and remained a secret. As the song melody and lyrics lingered in the air, I wondered if I would ever find one like her again. ”Imagination is silly, You go around willy nilly, For example I go around wanting you, And yet I can’t imagine that you want me too.” I just wondered if she ever knew how deep my love was for her. … In my journal, I wrote as a closure of my secret love.. ”I love her the day I met her, That was when it first began, I never thought that I could love her more, But I found out that I can, Everyday she grew more wonderful, And she always will I know, I’ll keep on loving her more and more, Through the years that come and go” I wonder if she could have loved me if I professed my love after graduation, when it became apparent that I was smarter than before. I did not see her after graduation until 20 years later when I met her family and she met mine. I already found my soul mate in my wife and my secret love became my best friend ever, my best friend forever.